Sick and Tired

Sick and Tired

I'm sick of being a patient

Being stood over while I'm weighed

Having a nurse peer at the number

And scrawl it on a clipboard;

I’m sick of being watched while I eat,

Told the goal is to normalize eating

Then made to do things

That are not normal for me

When I'm in a healthy space;

Made to put sugar on my cereal

Not allowed to use chilli sauce

Have time limits for meals

Which do not allow for mindful eating

Or for conversation

Unless one is prepared

To stuff oneself in the final five minutes

To make it without facing

The consequences of a fortisip,

To have to eat rest home style desserts

Within the same thirty minutes as dinner.

I’m tired of having to rely

On someone else to dispense

My medication,

When not only am I quite capable

Of doing so myself

But as a nurse I am used to

Dispensing others’ as well.

I don't want to sabotage my recovery

But I've had enough.

Being told what to do and stood over

Makes me want to do the exact opposite.

I just need to let my anger and frustration

Settle …

Enough to allow me to make sure

This is predominately coming from me

Not anorexia ...

Before I take action.

The Difficulty of Having a Conversation over Breakfast in an Inpatient Eating Disorder Ward

No More Kiwifruit

‘There are no kiwifruit today’

Belinda the nurse informs me

handing me my breakfast tray,

‘You have an apple instead, okay?’

I nod, mentally noting how much bigger

The apple is than my usual kiwifruit,

Then giving my head a little shake

To disrupt my thoughts

Before I begin calculating calories.

I remember an orange in the kitchen

And deciding this would be better than an apple

I quickly go to fetch it.

Settling down at the table with the other girls

I advise the nurse having breakfast with us

(just my luck, it’s ‘Nazi nurse’)

About my swap.

Of course,

It’s an issue.

‘Would you like to ring the bell

to discuss this with Belinda’

It’s a statement,

Not a question.

I hesitate, then look her in the eye.

‘No. Not really.  I’d just like to eat the orange’.

‘Ring the call bell’

‘I’d rather not.  It’s not an issue’

Nazi nurse is about to blow her top,

So having made my point at least,

I gracefully give in

And ring the bell.

Belinda appears shortly.

I explain the swap, she nods,

I sit down at the table

And take a deep breath.

Let it go

 I tell myself firmly.

‘Is your friend still coming to visit today?’

Mel asks me, with a sympathetic smile. 

Gratefully, I start talking about my friend Jo,

“I think so, she seems to have recovered

From her vomiting bug”

At this, Nazi nurse splutters into her cornflakes,

‘That completely inappropriate for the table!’

She scolds me like a two year old.

‘We often discuss these sorts of things’

I shoot back, not missing a beat.

 ‘Well you need to bear in mind that not everyone

Has such a strong stomach as you’

She glares at me long and hard

Before returning to her cereal.

‘Of course, the last I heard

She did have severe diarrhoea’

I say innocently, watching her face

Out of the corner of my eye.

Her reaction is well worth the next telling-off,

Following which,

The table settles into an awkward silence.

As I dice my orange into pieces

To go on my cereal

I decide a change of topic is needed

And wonder aloud,

‘What season is kiwifruit season?’

Opps, wrong thing to say.

A lively discussion ensues

About the seasons

Of various types of fruit;

I seem to be the only one who notices

Nazi nurse quietly seething

At the head of the table.

Unsurprisingly, once she gains composure

She sharply brings our conversation

To an abrupt end;

‘I’ll remind you girls of the rule –

no food-talk at the table’.

We eat the rest of our breakfast

In complete silence

And I bite my lip,

Resisting the urge

To utter another word.

Good Morning!

Conversation in my Head

You're awake, you need to get up.

I'm tired, just a few more minutes.

You are lazy if you don't get up now!

So comfortable....

Get up! Quick! You went back to sleep.

Ahh so nice to lie here though...

Shit! It's seven o clock!

Okay I'm getting up.

Hurry hurry, your whole morning routine is messed up now!

I'm up.

You're out of control, this is terrible!

Gosh I feel rested …

It was nice just to snooze and listen to my body for a change.

You can't do that, you must listen to me!

Ok.

Actually, no. I must not listen to you!

You are LAZY!

I am ok. I am safe and not out of control.

What are you going to do now?

You don't even have enough time

For a shower before breakfast!

It's okay, I can do things differently today.

You can't do things differently! The day is a disaster now!

Just breathe.

Hold onto God and find your anchor in him.

LAZY LAZY LAZY!

Let the thoughts be there but don't engage

Lazy lazy lazy!

I am the sky, my thoughts are the clouds …

Lazy lazy lazy

Thoughts are not facts.

Lazy lazy lazy …