Blindness

Losing Control

As she sits at the table

Staring straight ahead

Not looking at the chocolate milk

Sitting in front of her

I see in her face

The same resolute determination

Blind stubbornness

That was in me

Only weeks ago.

The same feelings

Of being trapped

Held against her own will

Under the Mental Health Act

With no means of escape

Are written all over her face;

She doesn't have to say a word

For me to understand.

Eventually she looks at me

And I hold her gaze

Desperately trying to convey to her

All the things I wish

Someone had said to me;

To tell her even though it feels

Like not eating is holding on

To the tiniest scrap of control

She has left

In reality

She is going the opposite;

She is losing it.

Something in her eyes changes

A single tear snakes down her cheek.

She looks away

Then her eyes flicker downwards

And rest on the chocolate milk.

I will her to pick it up

To put the straw to her lips …

I know this is harder

Than anybody could imagine

Asking more of her

Than she feels she is capable of

I know she would rather

Jump off a cliff

Out of a plane...

But I also know

She can do it

If she could just

Turn that determination around

If she could just see

Even for a brief moment

That nourishing herself

Nurturing herself

In this moment right now

Will bring her one step closer

To the sense of real control

That she so desperately craves

But that right now

Is blind to.