Dear Anorexia

Dear Anorexia

I know the last 12 weeks have felt like a war zone to both of us.  Twelve weeks ago you almost had complete control; you had taken my health, my job, my relationships, my energy, my ability to laugh – or even to smile.  You weren’t far from taking my mind, my body … my life. 

You had beaten me down to right where you wanted me; you had the power, you called the shots.  You influenced every thought, every decision, every waking moment.  You were so strong that its taken three months in hospital, the Mental Health Act, seemingly endless battles, tears and despair to finally feel my true self (who I thought was gone forever) re-emerging and starting to take back the reins. I’ve felt the intensity of your fear, panic and anger as my mind and body have become stronger and healthier.  I’ve heard your voice hissing at me – persistently – like a child tugging on her mothers’ sleeve.  You feel yourself growing weaker with each passing day - I feel it too.  I want you to know that no matter how hard you try, how loudly you scream, how insistent you are, what you promise me – I am not going back now. I have gone too far now to turn back.  The life I thought I’d never find again, the life that I had grieved for and resigned myself to losing – is now within reach.  I’m not stopping here either; you know me, I never do things ‘halfway’.  I am going to continue to move forwards, to proceed step-by-step on this path of wellness.

Although you’ve been my closest ‘friend’ for so long, this new life ahead of me has no room for you. Perhaps your shadow will remain over me for some time – maybe my whole life – but that’s all it will be, a shadow. It’s my life, not yours.  I decide now.

And I have decided.  I will sacrifice the safety, security, sense of worth and the illusion of success you gave me for something else.  I will sacrifice it for reality – for a life that will unfold before me as I keep moving down this path.   So even though you stole so much (including some things I will never get back), before I say goodbye I want to thank you.  I want to thank you for being my anchor, for being there for me all the times I felt so empty and alone.  Thank you for making me feel like I had a point in life and for ultimately helping me to discover a greater sense of purpose and meaning.  Thank you for showing me how strong and determined I can be. Thank you for teaching me what is truly important; for making it so crystal clear what really matters in life; for showing me what is lasting and worth living for.    

Because that’s what I am going to do now; I am going to live this wonderful-terrifying-beautiful-imperfectly-perfect life that I have been given … without you in it.  There simply isn’t a place for you in kind of future I am stepping into; it is a future filled with love, family, freedom, happiness and inner peace; a future with space for nursing, spontaneity and strong relationships … a future in a healthy body in which I can fully experience the world and feel at home in, and a mind that I can trust and that treats me with respect and kindness …

It is a future that I will one day look back on and smile.  

So anorexia, it’s well and truly time to say goodbye.  Goodbye to your false reassurance, your empty promises, your soothing voice.  Goodbye to the skinny frail body you shaped for me; to the jutting out hip bones, to every rib I could touch with my fingers; goodbye to the strict rules you enforced so harshly, to the lies and beliefs you brainwashed me with and made me think were my own … goodbye to being a prisoner within my own mind … goodbye to the illusion of control and self-control you had fed me.

I know there will be times when I miss you and wish you were there to wrap me up again in your arms … but I know that everything you gave me was only an illusion, that I can never find fulfillment in you. 

Goodbye Anorexia.

Goodbye.

Sincerely,

Kas