Anxiety

5:24pm

Anna arrived this afternoon.  It’s really nice to see her but I feel so anxious I can’t talk to her properly, and I know I’m terrible company.  I feel so guilty; and I want to be able to be with her and enjoy her company ... it’s just so much easier to be alone when I constantly have so much going on inside my head – even small happenings in the real world feel overwhelming. 

I feel so unsteady, like I’m standing on a crumbling cliff and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself from going down, into the deep dark crevasse, sooner or later.  There’s no way out, my heart is beating in my chest like a metronome on the fastest speed, nausea and thick coils of anxiety sit in my stomach like heavy immovable knots. 

I try to breathe, to use mindfulness, to live in the moment.  But this panicked feeling boils up in my chest, bringing with it unabating waves of distress and a churning nausea … the tightness in my head is like a vice, my thoughts like unabating snowflakes in a snow globe that someone won’t stop shaking … whirling and spinning, constantly.