Tug of War
My heart aches
When I think
Of what my life
Could be …
A young woman
25 years old
Intelligence and good looks
On her side
A nursing degree
And experience
A loving family
A devoted boyfriend
A beautiful kitten
Close friendships
Money in the bank
And most importantly
A strong faith
And love for God …
What more
Could I possibly ask for?
And yet I am letting each day
Trickle through my fingers
Like grains of sand;
For a year now
I’ve been hiding away
Starving my body
Shutting myself off
From others;
Resisting help
Due to fear,
Anxiety and hopelessness,
Despairing of the world
And wishing I could leave it.
My starved irrational brain
Somehow can’t let go
Accept,
Surrender,
Or connect to
Truth and reason;
It knows
But a deeper drive
Is stronger.
And so I battle
From the second I wake
Until I eventually
Drift off to sleep;
I yo-yo back and forwards
On a constant seesaw
An ongoing tug of war
With my mind.
When will it end?
How do I make it stop?
I cry
I pray
I make plans
Commitments
Covenants
Lists and charts
I must sign daily ...
At times
I find tiny pockets
Of strength
And hope,
And I grasp onto them
As tightly as I can
Determined that this time
I will not let them go.
But ‘this time’
Just like every time
They fade
And disappear
Sometimes in the blink
Of an eye.
I tip backwards again
Despairing and afraid
Hurting and guilty
Yet ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ again
In an inauthentic
Nauseating-kind-of-a-way.
As my strength fades
Bit by bit
I find myself wishing
For an end
Almost not caring
What that end looks like
So long as this torture
In my head
Stops.
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