Another curve ball

Monday 5^th December

11:05pm

Just when I think maybe just maybe I can do this, another curve ball is thrown at me.

My weight went down 500g this morning. I did not expect that, I just feel so bloated and fat and full and have done all weekend. 

So that means since last Monday it has stayed the same. 42kg.

I have arranged a plan with Louise, the dietitian.

That plan is: 1 fortisip per day (half with my morning medication at 10am and half as evening medication at 9pm) as well as changing all plain milk drinks at my 3 snacks to flavoured milk and having up to 4 cups of tea per day as extras.

The aim of this is weight gain of 1kg per week. The good thing is that I know I can easily cut out the fortisip and that without it my current meal plan will maintain my weight (once I need to stop gaining). 

Anorexia is hating this. So much. Right now she's screaming, she feels threatened and out of control. Which she should. The team here and myself are stronger than her and are going to drive her out. 

I am really just going to have to LET GO and TRUST and CLING TO GOD with all my might to get through this. 

The thing that really scares me is that as anorexia lessens the depression and hopelessness/pointlessness gets worse. 

My Ocean

It feels like

there's an ocean

Inside of me -

An ocean of tears.

I want it to stop hurting

To cry it all out

Every last drop.

But it feels like

If I was to do that

I'd have to start crying

And never stop.