Drugged Up

Drugged Up

My head is hazy

I feel so dizzy so tired

So drugged up

All the time

Like if I was to close my eyes

For longer than a blink

Even standing up

I'd fall asleep

On the spot.

I can't understand

Why people would want

To take these drugs,

Would pay for them on the street?

I'm woken up at six thirty for my first dose

To give them time to kick in before breakfast

I know the tablets are so I can eat

(I really don't know that I could otherwise),

So I don't feel the intense panic

Or hear anorexia and depression

Quite so loudly.

But still they yell at me,

Incessantly,

Constantly,

Wound into the fibres

Of my brain.

And still my hand trembles

As I lift each spoonful

of weetbix to my mouth,

Failure, emptiness and hopelessness

Plague me

As I force myself to swallow.

I go through the day

Feeling groggy and distant

Like everything is a bad dream;

I have to think really hard

Before I say anything

Or else my words come out

In a nonsensical muddle;

I sit down with a book

And read the same paragraph

Twice

Without even realizing,

And still I don't even know

What I've just read.

I hate these tablets

With a vengeance

But at the same time

If it wasn't for them

I know I'd be worse

And would more than likely

End up with the dreaded nasogastric tube

Being fed high calorie supplements.

There's just no escape.

I hold out for 11pm

Bedtime

When I can finally let myself

Drift away

Far away...

Until all too soon

6:30am has arrived

Again.