Surrender

White Flag

From the moment I woke up

I just knew –

Had this feeling in my gut

That today was going to be

Hard.

By mid-morning

This was already completely accurate.

I found myself fighting it

Automatically;

Resisting the shit-ness

Getting frustrated at myself

For the way I felt,

Struggling against the imperfection

Of the day.

My head felt fuzzy

My body fat and flabby

My stomach bloated

My muscles tense

And tired.

As I looked at the monstrous

Scone on my lunch tray

With jam and a generous pottle of cream

One the side

Something in me snapped

Like a rope

In a tug of war.

This was it

I had to go one of two ways …

As a heavy bubble of anxiety

Rose within me

I knew I had to make a decision …

As the bubble swelled

Bigger and bigger

My heart pounded

Faster and faster

My thoughts raced

Around and around;

Here it comes ….

In the split second that it popped

Spewing it’s innards

Every which way

I made the decision.

I let go

Relaxing into the present

Into what was,

What is;

Accepting that this day

Was just going to be shit,

There was nothing I could do

To make the thunderclouds disperse,

To remove the anxiety

Fear and crappiness

Seeping through my veins.

It was as it was,

And would be

As it would be

No matter how much I worried

And analysed,

I was in a rocking chair

And no matter how much

I rocked

I would not be getting anywhere.

With this realization

I found my fists unclenching

My jaw loosening

My mind shifting

Into a state of non-resistance,

Accepting this nauseating day

Allowing myself to become

Immersed in it;

I acknowledged to myself

It was a write-off of a day

I stopped wanting it

To be better,

I stuck my white flag

Firmly in the ground.

And from that place of surrender

The day did not get any better

It was still a shit day

But

That was,

In a funny kind of way,

Okay;

The load on my shoulders

Lifted

My rocking chair

Slowed

My burden was lighter

The day suddenly became …

Easier.