Struggling to Breathe

Grieving

Every time the number

On the scale increases

It’s as though

My oxygen supply

Is being severed

Becoming less and less

As I gasp for air

Like a fish out of water

I try not to think

Of the day

It will be cut off

completely.

Every Monday and Thursday

Before breakfast

I step reluctantly onto the scales

Trying to mentally prepare myself

For the tirade of thoughts,

The fight

That will inevitably ensue.

As the nurse records the number

In her notebook

Anorexia screams abuse at me;

Week after week

As the number rises

So does my fear

A big ugly tangle

Of anxiety and panic

About this journey

I'm being forced to make;

Closer to life

Further and further from

My most intimate 'friend'

Who's been right there with me

Every moment

For so long...

I feel heavy and empty

At the same time

My head spins

With loss and grief.

It’s as though part of me

Is being sucked away,

Like an arm

Wrenched out of its socket.

My insides ache

I feel naked and alone,

Terrified.