It Has to Come From The Inside

S.O.S

My insides hurt so much

That I almost can’t breathe

Can’t bear it

Would do anything to escape it …

It hurts so much

That it’s become a physical pain

Coursing through my veins

Pulsating in my chest

Threatening to make me explode

Consuming me

Taunting me

Urging me

To truly take control

And end it

The only way

I really can.

It’s one thing to know

That no matter how much

Anybody loves you

And wants to help

They simply can’t,

But it’s even worse

I think

Not to have an ounce

Of love for oneself left inside

Nor any strength or control

To help yourself.

Step by Step

12:59am

Mum is arriving any minute.  I’m really nervous and anxious about her coming.  It’s been … ten months since I last saw her.  When I last saw her I thought the next time we met I would be well.  Instead, I weigh less than I did when she left me at Ashburn.  And my headspace is … the same, I think.  I know I’ve been making some unhealthy decisions, particularly since the awful appointment with Rikki last Monday, and I’m worried she’ll be upset when she sees this.  And when she sees me.   I feel like I’ve failed her, myself, everyone.  And seeing her in person just makes that failure so much more real and tangible. 

Step by Step

Lost in the city streets

Lost in my head

I take one turn

Then another

Surely if I keep walking

I'll get there

Eventually.

How was I to know

That each step I took

Was leading me

In the wrong direction?

As my energy wanes

I move further and further

From where I want to be.

Hopelessly lost

Completely disorientated

I half consider stopping…

But that would simply

Leave me stranded

In this unfamiliar

Uncomfortable place.

Should I turn around?

I have no hope

Of retracing my steps

Remembering the way back

I've gone too far

And am not even certain

Which direction I came from.

That,

And I really don’t think

I have enough strength

To make it all the way back.

What other option then

Than to simply keep going?

My head spins,

I can't think straight

Any longer

So I try not to think

And simply keep putting

One foot

In front of the other.

Escaping the Void

Escaping the Void

I’ve tried

So many ways

To fill gaping abyss

Inside of me;

Food and weight

Rules and rituals

Perfectionism

Recognition

Productivity

Financial security

Achievements ...

If I were to strip away

All these things

Like bark from a tree,

To leave myself

Bare and exposed

Weeping and raw

Would it make me

Any less

Or

Any more?

Perhaps it would give me

A chance to discover

The truth;

Free of illusory crutches

Plasters and safeguards

Impermanent worldly layers

Ephemeral distractions...

I would be

Just as I was

The day I entered this world

And ultimately as I will be

The day I leave it.

Perhaps

Without all these things

In the process of letting go

Of surrendering

To the terrifying fear

Of my complete and utter

Emptiness

I would finally discover

That actually

I did not have to journey

Anywhere after all?

That really

I was home all along;

That the answer

Lie quietly within me,

In the very depths

Of the place

I’ve worked so hard

To avoid?