11:01am
I have
received three emails from Mum in the last three days (and various messages
from Anna, Will, Dad and Susannah). I
have not replied to any of them. I feel so bad about this, but I simply can’t deal with the pain any other way than to
numb myself. And communicating with them
will open up the floodgates.
So I’ve
been on 'autopilot' as much as possible – trying to not think, not feel, dosed up
on clonazepam, distracting myself from my thoughts as much as possible, focusing on being ... right here
right now.
Mum
and/or Dad have obviously talked to Roger and got an update about me turning
down the inpatient bed. Mum said in her
first email Roger will hold it open for me until the end of today. Since then her messages have been pleading
for me to accept help, to take the inpatient offer. I know Anna and Dad and Will desperately
agree. Anna phoned me last night and I
very nearly answered – I just find myself aching to hear her voice
– but I simply couldn’t. I can’t bear
coming face to face with the disappointment and pain I’m causing her.
Will messaged me this morning saying that he
loves me and hopes I can make the right decision. I am grieving for the loss of him
already.
Everyone
would be better off without me. I am not
going to make the decision that everybody wants, and I know that will hurt so
many people, and likely be the end of me and Will. But I just simply can’t. I can’t explain it, but I just cannot do
it. I can hardly even consider it. My heart feels like stone – cement. Hardened and set. Like I have no choice. Anorexia has ruled, I must obey.
I guess I
know this means the life I always thought I could or would have is gone. And I’m trying to detach myself from the
grief around that too – the knowledge that if I live much longer I will look
back and regret this. But I don’t think
that this decision would ultimately change things anyway. Look what six months in PMH did? And six in Ashburn? Here I am again.
This is
the way my life is going to keep going I am sure of it. And I’m just too tired to keep fighting. I might as well make the most of the quality
of life I have.
I am such
a mess.
I know at
the end of today, when I haven’t accepted the bed, Mum and Dad and everyone
will be upset. And I don’t feel I can
deal with that as well as my own distress.
So I just have to continue to numb myself. I feel like that is my only option for
survivial right now. If I don’t do that
then I won’t be able to eat/will over-exercise (I have been a bit as it is) and
even become suicidal perhaps (I started to think this way again last
night). So even though I know I’m being
selfish, I don’t know how else to cope.
I'm sorry this is such a depressing post, but I want this blog to be real. Authentic. And this is how it is.
A Burning
Building
What would you do
If you found yourself
Trapped in a burning
building?
As the flames engulf each
storey
One by one
Would you climb the stairs
Higher and higher
Seeking refuge?
People are panicking,
screaming
Straddling window ledges
And jumping.
The knowledge that soon
You will reach the top
storey
Weighs heavily on your
heart.
You pass another person
Throwing herself out a
window
Arms flailing
Her piercing scream
fading into silence.
As she disappears from
sight
You wonder if you too
should leap?
Peering over the ledge
You see crumpled bodies
Far below.
You're too high now
If only you'd jumped sooner
Before you'd climbed
Those last few flights of
stairs
You might have had a
chance.
You cast a glance behind
you
But smoke fills your lungs
And clouds your vision;
Blindly you rush towards
The very last flight of
stairs
And drag yourself up it
Gasping for each precious
breath.
You're at the very top now
There's nowhere else to go
You can vaguely hear voices
People from yelling from
far below
A world away;
'Jump! Jump!'
But even as you stand here
Looking down
You know there's no chance;
Whatever choice you make now
Your fate is sealed
The truth inescapable...
All hope is gone.
No comments:
Post a Comment