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Written Monday, September 19th

12:31pm

I very nearly got put under the Mental Health Act just now.  I would say I was a hair's breadth away from it.  I’m not even quite sure how I avoided it … perhaps it’s my acting skills. 

I turned down an inpatient bed that has become available.

Rikki tried to convince me to take it and I refused. I asked if I could leave and he said he needed to get Roger to come in because they were planning to put me under the MH Act if I refused the bed. I said I was going to leave and he said that if I was to do that then the police would be called. As my heart pounded and my head became mush I tried to breathe and appear calm, and told him that was ridiculous because I was not under the act and didn't need to be. But I agreed to speak to Roger.

I managed to convince him that I didn't need to be under the act and that I would not take the bed. I told them I was looking after myself and I was physically feel well (I’m not).  Rationally I know it was anorexia talking - fooling them with false promises about reconsidering in the future and about increasing my food and decreasing my activity and coming back to see Rikki next week. All of which I don't think I'll be able to do.

It's scary how strong anorexia is and how even though this is becoming life or death and even though I know this probably means I will lose Will and never get better and upset Mum and Dad and Anna a lot, I am giving in.  There is a tiny part of me that's saying ‘no Kas don't do this, you have to take the bed, true it might not work but you have to give it a go – you have nothing to lose’… but I know even if I do try I won't win because anorexia is just far too strong now.  I know I’m supposed to think in the long term – short term pain for long term gain etc – but being in my head is currently at a level of unbearable that I can only just cope with and I simply cannot take any more – and I know that being in the ward will (in the short term at least), markedly increase my stress.  And I feel like I simply cannot take that.  I’m at my limit now.

So that's it I guess. I don't really know exactly what now…

I guess I make the most of a life with anorexia in charge. I accept that this is how it will be. I let go of my hopes and dreams for my life and try not to hurt the people I love more than I already have.

I think the only way I can do that is to eat and manage my activity enough to not lose any more weight. And to do that I'm going to have to focus on living in the moment, to go on autopilot from my thoughts as much as possible, to lose myself in clonazepam and study and writing and reading and whatever else I can find, to not look ahead, to not think.

I think this means I will have to disconnect from others too... From all the people who love and care about me. I don't want to hurt them but I know if I'm hurting myself on this level there's no way I can truly love anyone else properly. Maybe I can pretend? I'll try to anyway. I'll try to pretend to be ok. Surely I can do that, at least via text. And with Paula... I'll just have to use my drama skills and put on the 'I'm fine' act.

So that's about it. Now that I've got all this out I will flick onto autopilot mode, follow my current plan, live in the moment, try to not think and use detached mindfulness as much as possible, get clonazepam on board, hide from the world as much as possible and just be.  After all, life is now right?  And I’m not alone – far from it – I have my old friend anorexia with me, every second, stronger than ever.