Throwing Spaghetti

Throwing Spaghetti 

What am I waiting for?

Change

Doesn’t just happen;

Clarity

Doesn't come from waiting

But rather

From throwing spaghetti on the wall

And seeing what sticks.

Why can't I seem to

Just grab that spaghetti

And hurl it across the room?

What is it

That holds me back?

Is it fear

Of the mess it will make

The stains it could leave

On the pristine wallpaper?

Is it reluctance to change

To be forced out of my comfort zone

Into the unknown?

I’ve lost count of the times

In this past year

That I've made promises

And contracts with myself;

The times I’ve faced the wall

Trembling, crying,

Clenching that damn spaghetti

In my fists.

A few times I've raised my arms

Preparing for launch off. 

But no matter how close I come …

I just can't seem to let go.

Sooner or later

Despite all the willpower

I can muster

My arms droop back down

To my sides,

My resolute grip loosens

And I watch the spaghetti

Plop onto the floor

In forlorn looking heaps.

I try to appease

The voice in my head

That screams 'failure, failure!'

By promising myself

That I will do it..

Just not quite yet;

I'm not ready

I'll just wait a tiny bit longer...

But how long will I wait?

How long

Is a piece of string?

And what exactly

Am I waiting for?

A change in heart

That will likely never come?

Some illusory external motivator

To flick me into action mode?

I have no answers

And I’m beginning to think

I have no hope either;

Not much has changed

Except that I no longer bother

Even picking up

The spaghetti.