Step by Step

12:59am

Mum is arriving any minute.  I’m really nervous and anxious about her coming.  It’s been … ten months since I last saw her.  When I last saw her I thought the next time we met I would be well.  Instead, I weigh less than I did when she left me at Ashburn.  And my headspace is … the same, I think.  I know I’ve been making some unhealthy decisions, particularly since the awful appointment with Rikki last Monday, and I’m worried she’ll be upset when she sees this.  And when she sees me.   I feel like I’ve failed her, myself, everyone.  And seeing her in person just makes that failure so much more real and tangible. 

Step by Step

Lost in the city streets

Lost in my head

I take one turn

Then another

Surely if I keep walking

I'll get there

Eventually.

How was I to know

That each step I took

Was leading me

In the wrong direction?

As my energy wanes

I move further and further

From where I want to be.

Hopelessly lost

Completely disorientated

I half consider stopping…

But that would simply

Leave me stranded

In this unfamiliar

Uncomfortable place.

Should I turn around?

I have no hope

Of retracing my steps

Remembering the way back

I've gone too far

And am not even certain

Which direction I came from.

That,

And I really don’t think

I have enough strength

To make it all the way back.

What other option then

Than to simply keep going?

My head spins,

I can't think straight

Any longer

So I try not to think

And simply keep putting

One foot

In front of the other.