One battle at a time ...

Losing the War

I know I shouldn't

But I can't stand it

One moment longer

I'm like a drug addict

I give in

Again

I let anorexia have her way

And win the battle.

Any guilt and shame

Is over-ridden by

A momentary high

A few minutes relief

From her constant stream of abuse

Her endless demands

Never-ceasing torment.

For a few precious moments

I am not suffocated

I can breathe again

I am good enough

Strong, capable,

And in control.

But all too soon

She's back again

Whispering at first

Wanting something else.

Smugly,

She stretches her long fingers

Into my fragile, fleeting

Sanctuary of peace,

Effortlessly she crawls

Back into my head

As if she owns it

Her voice regaining

It’s former strength.

Her tone is harsh now

Scratching like sandpaper

At the insides of my brain

It grows insistent

Even louder than before.

Should I give in right away

And save myself the energy

Of fighting another battle

I am surely going to lose?

Why not just surrender now

 Let her have this victory as well?

Besides,

I yearn

For a few more moments

Of the glorious calm

That she invaded

Far too soon.

But deep down

I know every battle

That she wins

She feeds off

Like a parasite

Gaining strength and power

While I conversely

Shrink and weaken

With every lost battle

And as she drains me

I find myself

One step closer

To losing

Not only another battle

But the entire war.

Do I hold my ground this time,

Do I resist and fight back?

Or do I let her have this one too?

It feels like the real question

Is rapidly becoming

Do I have a choice?