Caged

Caged

They are everywhere

Just ordinary people

Doing ordinary things

Driving their cars

Checking their letterboxes

Doing their shopping

Walking their dogs

And I can't help but envy

Their freedom.

I look at people

Women my age

With curves and babies

Spontaneously grabbing a snack

Or a coffee on the run

Without analysing

The time of consumption,

The calorie content, the food type ...

I’m filled with a sense of awe

And try not to stare

As I pass the bustling cafe

At the crowds sitting at the tables

Chatting easily to one another

As they eat

Laughing and smiling

As they bite into a buttery cheese scone

Or a piece of iced citrus square.

They cup their hands around frothy lattes

Float marshmallows in steamy hot chocolates

Absently tear open sugar sachets

And tip them into their coffee,

Idly lift chunky golden hot chips

Into their mouths;

Such simple normal things

That aren’t even given a second thought;

I can't help but wonder

How do they do it?

From my bedroom window

Behind the net curtains

I watch a young woman run by

Her ponytail bobbing

A spring in each step;

There's no watch on her wrist

No relentless drive in her eyes.

Didn't I used to run like that

Once upon a time?

Back in the days

When I was not governed by my own

Unbreakable rules

So numerous

That I have to write them all down

Incase the unthinkable happens

And I forget one;

Food, time, exercise,

The precise order of daily routines,

Right down to how many times

I must walk up and down the hallway

Before breakfast …

So many perfectly square tick boxes

On a fresh to do list

Every single day.

So many tasks that must be carried out

Ways they must be done

At certain times

In certain places.

These rules have become

The centre of my life

The focus of each day

The top priority

Even at the cost

Of time with loved ones,

Pleasurable activities,

spontaneity, adventure...

Living.

I am a bird in a cage

Safe from the dangers of the world

Yet markedly separated

From experiencing its wonders;

I can't have it both ways

Which makes me wonder

Would I stay in my cage

Even if the door was open?

Then I realize -

It is.