The Oxymoron of Self-Sabotage
Do we create the very thing
We try to avoid?
A young man,
Terrified his girlfriend
Was going to cheat on him
Became smothering and possessive
He needed to know where she was
At all times,
Secretly reading her text messages
Insisting on going with her to parties
Even if he wasn't invited...
It was only a matter of time
Before she broke up with him
Because she felt suffocated.
In the same way,
In trying to avoid my own
Un-favourable outcome
I have created it;
I was depressed,
Scared of not being enough
Of living a meaningless life,
Of not being in control.
I stopped eating properly
And started going
For long daily runs
Trying to dull
The constant anxiety,
To escape the hopeless
Reality of this life
That seemed to imprison me.
I lost weight
So much in fact
That soon
I was no longer just depressed
But anorexic as well.
I was sick
And had no choice
But to give up my job as a nurse,
Go on the sickness benefit
Start popping pills
And be seen by the very same
Community mental health team
That I had routinely referred
Numerous patients of my own to.
Now, one year down the track
In my semi-starved brain
I am boarding with a distant relative
In a town far from home
Where I can receive specialist treatment
(supposedly the best in the country);
My BMI is at a record low
I have retreated inside myself
Damaged every relationship
That really meant something,
Am on the verge of losing Will
As well as on the cusp
Of hospitalisation...
If I truly was
Not enough before
Not in control of my life
And not living an existence
Of purpose
Then I wonder,
What am I now?
No comments:
Post a Comment