I'm Sorry

I’m Sorry

His words echo in my mind

Over and over again

'I'm sorry Katherine'

His voice is serious,

Full of remorse and helplessness,

Almost apologetic;

Said in the way a doctor tells

A cancer patient

There is no longer any hope

No more options;

That this is it now.

I can't look him in the eye

Because I know it's true

And as what was left of my world

Comes crumbling down

The only way to hold myself together

To escape the sharpest edge

Of the blade of pain, loss and failure

Is to not think

To detach myself from it all

Becoming a fly on the wall

Of this small consultation room

Present, observing

But not participating,

Not engaging.

I keep my eyes down

Willing myself to be wooden,

Numb, unfeeling;

I can't look at the disappointment

The pity in his eyes

He truly cares

And like me

Knows where this is going.

But surely then he also knows

The inpatient bed

That I have turned down

Would have made no difference?

That it would have ultimately

Prolonged the pain

Intensified the immediate distress

And torment inside of me

To a level I simply can't imagine

Trying to bear...

Surely he too can see

That I've reached a point

Where nothing on this earth

Can save me

From this two pronged nightmare

Called anorexia

And depression ...

Nothing and no one can rescue me

From myself.