Let Go

Let go

Let go.

Like running water

Flowing over me

Purifying and cleansing

Rinsing away the old

Like conditioner from my hair

Watching it flow in little bubble

Down my skin

My somach, my thighs, my ankles,

Circling the plughole

And disappearing;

Washing away the old

Preparing for the new.

Let go.

The number on the scales

Can no longer be

A challenge

An achievement

An obsession

A means of control;

Let go.

The amount and type of food

I put in my mouth

Can no longer be

A measure of worth

And will power;

Let go.

The minutes spent exercising

Following strict rules

Driven by obsessions

To make me feel safe

Providing security,

Routine, predictablity

An anchor

In this storm of life;

Let go.

Anorexia,

I see you for what you truly are

Nothing but an illusion of perfection

A shallow focus,

An attempt to distract and numb myself

From the fear

Of living

In this imperfect self that is ‘me’

This flawed world.

A means of pretending

I can reach perfection,

Of rejecting my weakness

And human frailty.

Let go now

Of the futility

The meaninglessness

The pointlessness

The lack of purpose

Anorexia promises

With its lies.

Let go.

Lift my head

Unclench my fists

Feel the rawness of reality

Knowing it can’t hurt me;

Open my soul

Have faith.

You can let go now, dear one.

Let it all go.

Out of Control

Out of my Control

I want to go home

But I don't know where that is

I want to feel better

But I'm frightened I never will

I don't want to be here

But I'm under the Mental Health Act

I don't want to get weighed

But there's no escaping it

I don't want to put on weight

Because I don't want to be part of the world again

I don't want to lose weight

Because then I'll have to eat more

I don't want to eat more

Because then I'll feel more anxious

And guilty and fat and panicked

I don't want to be so trapped

But it's not in my control

I want to make my own decisions

But that right has almost completely

Been taken away from me,

Right down to the amount of salt and pepper I use

How much time I spend outside

What time I get up out of bed.

I want to find the answer

The point of life

And if I can't

I don't want to live

It hurts too much

It's too futile and purposeless

Too superficial and meaningless;

I think that right now

I really just want to die.

And I can’t.

The Point

Tuesday 29^th November

9:39am

The Point

I distract myself

From the hopelessness

And the darkness

With rigid rules

And obsessions;

Take those away

And I find myself

Plunging into that abyss

Of emptiness and panic

Which I would give almost anything

To avoid.

Is there an answer?

One that if I search long enough

And hard enough

Will give me

The wisdom and understanding

I am searching for

To be able to find purpose,

A reason to live -

True peace?

I know for sure

That answer

- If there is one -

Does not lie outside of me

But within;

I’ve searched for it

In my circumstances

But it is not to be found

Nor any external form;

For all worldly things are passing

Decisions - even 'less than perfect ones'

Are not the true measure

Of worth,

And value.

Is there an answer?

Or are we all just here

On this earth

Scurrying this way and that

Like little ants

Most of us consumed by pride

Productivity,

So called necessity;

Boxed in by society

Existing from day to day

Until life leaves us

And we breathe our last breath?

Perhaps there is no answer,

No point?

Or perhaps

There are many?

Part II

So if all in this worldly realm

Is passing,

Changing, temporal,

Ultimately fleeting -

What can we cling to?

Are we meant to have an anchor?

Surely this inherent

Inexplicable hunger

For a foundation

Is not purely coincidence

Or imagination?

There must be something more

Something the unseen and impermanent,

Beyond form

And our human vision.

What is it

That joins us?

Connects each being,

Flows amongst us

Bringing warmth and peace?

What is this component

That is tucked so securely

Inside each human being

This element that is able to

Illuminate any darkness

To bring truth, hope, comfort, peace;

That death cannot destroy?

I think the answer

To all of these questions

Is the same

And maybe

Just maybe,

That

Is the point.