What Now?

Forced to Live

When I’m not numbed

By medication

Obsessions, rules

Or lack of food

I honestly

Just want to die.

I can’t find any happiness,

Joy or peace;

I can’t see any point,

It all seems so futile

Fleeting and hopeless

It just makes no sense at all.

I want to die

And I’ve tried

For a year now;

But I can't,

No one will let me.

No my family,

Not health professionals,

Nurses,

Psychiatrists,

And now a judge.

Ultimately,

After all this time

This means I simply have to say

‘Goodbye anorexia’

Farewell to the hope of death

That I was still clinging to;

Who would've thought

Being forced to live

Could feel so torturous?

So perhaps my praying for God to be in the outcome of the hearing today and to watch over this was in fact answered.  He wants me here.  He wants me to go through this for a reason. 

I could backpedal, resist, not eat/run away/lie/be sneaky/etc and make things ultimately worse for myself OR I could accept this. 

ACCEPT the loss of anorexia.  Let go of control.  Hold on more firmly and solely to God.  And despite the panic, TRUST the treatment team.  Go along with the dietitian’s prescriptions.  Be real.  Accept weight gain.  Accept my body will change.  Accept that I will put on weight and regain health.  Accept there is no guarantee my mood will improve.  And take ONE MOMENT at a time.