Friday

Friday

Woken at 6:45am

By a nurse

Who gave me my clonazepam

I  order for it to have time

To kick in before breakfast

At 7:30am.

Swallowing the tablets

My mind wasin a state of panic

Even before I was fully awake

As it registered my surroundings

And re-orientated to my new reality

And another day.

It’s hard to believe that a week ago

I thought waking up couldn’t feel any worse –

It clearly could.

After peeing in a pan again

And filling out my fluid balance chart

So the nurses can continue to monitor

My kidney function

I open the window

And kneel beside my bed

To pray.

Today my meal plan

Is being increased

By 300 calories.

I want to run

All of my mind screams at me

To get out

To get away,

But I know I can’t;

I am under the Mental Health Act

I am trapped.

If I leave

The police will come after me

If I don’t eat 100% of the food put infront of me

I will be nasogastric fed

A tube forced through my nose and down my throat

And high calorie liquid

Will trickle through it continuously.

How can I eat

How can I comply

When all I want is to die?

I came so close

Closer than I realized

If I’d just refused to come in

Refused the inpatient bed

Kept going as I was

A little bit longer

I might even be gone by now …

All I want is peace

From this never ending torture and pain

Pulsing through my brain

Every second.

Any escape

I would gladly take.