Time to Let Go

Great quote from Joanna:

"Learn to non judgementally accept uncomfortable psychological experiences. Much of our psychological distress is the result of trying to control or eliminate the discomfort of unwanted thoughts feelings sensations and urges. In other words our discomfort is not the problem- our attempt to control or eliminate it is. Willingly experience uncomfortable thoughts feelings etc"

It’s Time

I think I’ve reached the point

Where I can say

I got an A+ at anorexia

(as if that is something to be proud of,

I know);

The point where my psychiatrist

Tells the judge

At the Mental Health Act hearing

That I am the most unwell patient on the ward

(*Of the most respected eating disorder treatment center

In the whole country),

That I would be dead

If I hadn't been admitted

When I was

And that if I was to leave now or anytime soon

I will be.

As I sat there in the sparse room

I realized

Anorexia had taken everything from me

Except my life

Just.

In trying to find control

I had now completely lost it.

I think I can definitely say

'I got a gold star

At anorexia'

And although anorexia wants me

To keep going

Tells me it's not enough yet

I know that there's only one thing left

That it can take from me

And I see

 that the mental health act

takes that option away.

I feel angry that I cannot just let go

And relinquish to anorexia

The last thing it wants,

I can’t fight anymore

I have nothing left

All I want

Is to at least find some small degree

Of comfort,

Relief and reprieve

In my remaining days;

But a tiny part of me

Understands

That now is the time to let go

In a different way;

To say farewell

(If I must,

to congratulate myself

In a backward sort-of-a-way

Or at least acknowledge

All my efforts and drive)

To stop

To turn

To trust …

And to change direction;

To move towards life

No matter how much the panic

And anxiety threatens to suffocate me

By even considering this.

Just one step

One moment at a time

Don’t look too far ahead;

Bead by bead on my challenge string

It really is time now

To climb the mountain

Of recovery.