Enough Now

Wednesday November 22

10:56am

I draw my curtains

And the light pounces in

I gaze out at the morning traffic

The cyclists flashing by

Morning runners jogging alongside the river

Across the road

And am filled with dread.

No longer

Do I have the option

Of escaping this world -

Instead

Although every fibre of me screams the opposite

I must begin the journey

Back into it.

Okay so this needs to be the first day of the new phase of my treatment here.

Key words:

·      God

·      Let go

·      Trust

I just have to do it, go through whatever feelings that come up.  And rely on God for my strength.

This morning I had to have TWO pieces of toast with my weetbix.  This was so hard and I worried about it all day yesterday and every waking moment – even during the night, then again as soon as I woke up.  But I did it – just.  I chose honey toast because that’s what Dad has and I thought of him with each bite. 

I remembered how useful it was last time I was here to make a bead string of all my challenges that I overcame – one bead each time.  It made these things seem more poitive and quieted anorexia a little.  So I decided I’ll try something similar.  I found a whole lots of beads in the craft room and some thread – but also a fine chain.  So I’ll start that today.

Last night I cried for hours – I felt so trapped, so lost, so hollow and empty and pointless and misunderstood.  Everyone seems to think that if I put on weight I will feel better and my mood will come right and I keep telling them – I was almost suicidal and significantly depressed before I lost it all in the first place.  But I know that I can’t 100% say it won’t get better ever, and there’s no chance it will if I stay at this weight (as opposed to a … hmmm … 98% chance it won’t get better if I manage to get to a healty weight).  But I know I just have to do it. 

Enough Now

Why should the number on the scales

The amount I push my body

How much I achieve

The food I resist and deny myself

The faster I can run

And the more time

I clock up exercising

Be of any consequence?

Why should it matter

Above all else,

Define me

Be my purpose

My point

Or make me think

That it can affect my value

As a human being?

Enough now.

Enough.