Crackers and Cheese

Crackers and Cheese

My heart pounds faster and faster

The closer it gets

To 10:15am.

I know that today

Rather than the apple

My morning tea

Will be cheese and crackers

Plus the usual glass of milk. 

Don’t do it.

You can’t do it.

My head is screaming at me.

I can’t sit still

Can’t concentrate on anything

I stand in the shower

Trying to feel the hot water

Flowing over my skin

But my mind fixates on the crackers;

How will I do it?

There is no way I can manage.

Time doesn’t stop

It keeps ticking forward …

There’s a knock on my door

And a nurse is telling me

Morning tea has started.

I will myself to move

Unfold my legs from underneath me

And stand.

Reluctantly

Like a prisoner

On the way to his execution

I follow her down the hallway

To the dining room.

I sit at the table

And stare at the two small arnotts crackers

And the slice of cheese

Next to the glass of milk.

A tarantula would be less frightening.

My legs itch to run

My hands tremble

With the effort

Of not picking up the food

And throwing it across the room.

The nurse is watching me.

Slowly,

My fingers unwrap the plastic

Around the cheese

And then around the crackers.

Look at all the salt on them

And they are puffy and clearly baked;

Not only that

But it’s processed cheese …

Tears pour down my cheeks.

We only have ten minutes for this meal …

I picture death

How much easier it would be

The peace I am so longing for

That would accompany it

Anything

Anything at all

To escape this panic.

Then my family’s faces

Pop into my mind

One by one

And Will’s too …

I promised them I would try

My best

I am here for them.

I have to do this.

I have to get off the Mental Health Act.

“Five minutes”

I break the cheese into pieces

And each cracker in half

Making a little sandwich with each one.

Ever so slowly

I bring the first one to my mouth

Trying not to think

To just do.

I want to explode

If they took my heart rate now

They wouldn’t be shaking their heads

Saying I’m bradycardic …