Out of Control

Out of my Control

I want to go home

But I don't know where that is

I want to feel better

But I'm frightened I never will

I don't want to be here

But I'm under the Mental Health Act

I don't want to get weighed

But there's no escaping it

I don't want to put on weight

Because I don't want to be part of the world again

I don't want to lose weight

Because then I'll have to eat more

I don't want to eat more

Because then I'll feel more anxious

And guilty and fat and panicked

I don't want to be so trapped

But it's not in my control

I want to make my own decisions

But that right has almost completely

Been taken away from me,

Right down to the amount of salt and pepper I use

How much time I spend outside

What time I get up out of bed.

I want to find the answer

The point of life

And if I can't

I don't want to live

It hurts too much

It's too futile and purposeless

Too superficial and meaningless;

I think that right now

I really just want to die.

And I can’t.