Saturday on C Ward

Saturday 26^th November

9:32am

So basically everyone is on weekend leave except for me – I’m not allowed to leave the ward.

I feel so lost and empty.  Like a hollow shell.  With no purpose, no point.  I thank God I can cling to Him.  I don’t know what I’d do without Him as my rock.

I’m working really hard on letting go and trusting.  I have five beads on my Bead Challenge String now – last night I had ice cream for the first time in … gosh I don’t know … almost two years?  I gave myself a silver snowflake bead for that.

Will is coming today (this afternoon) and Paula is coming in with Meiko later this morning.  I’m looking forward to seeing them, but there’s a part of me that just feels so distant, and feels like it would be easier to keep reality separate.  It hurts and makes me anxious to think of other people doing things when I’m stuck here in hospital being useless and lazy. 

I’ve been trying to think of courses I can do – there a Southern Institute of Technology course for a Certificate in Small Business Management that looks interesting, but it doesn’t start until February.  I was wondering about aromatherapy/homeopathy or naturopathy too, but the latter two seem to be full 3-4 year degree type courses and the aromatherapy courses I can find aren’t distance learning ones.

Tug of War

My hands are calloused

My strength waning

My arm muscles screaming

From holding on so tightly

For so long

To the end of the fraying rope;

From pulling

In this seemingly endless

Tug of war.

Sometimes I make a bit of ground

But then I quickly lose it;

I don't know how long

I can keep tugging...

But what choice do I have?

To fight

To give this battle every

Last ounce of strength

Left in me?

Or to accept that holding my ground

Not losing the length of rope I have

Is the most I can hope for

The best possible outcome?

I’m close to giving in

To my aching muscles

And weariness

So close to simply listening

To that incessant internal voice

That seems to have taken over my head

And all my senses

Telling me this fight is hopeless

I will never win …

Do I let anorexia pull me over

Stumbling and flailing

Until I have no length of rope left

To hold?

What else can I do?

I'm so exhausted

Even if the war

Is not always sustained

At an all consuming intensity

The rope is forever taut

I must be on guard

Constantly vigilant

For it to be yanked forcefully

At any second.

But what if …

I just let go?

If I was

To simply drop the rope.

To offer no resistance

At all.

What then?