No Control

Saturday November 11th 

I saw a lawyer yesterday about my wish to contend the mental health act.  I agree with the two criteria set down by Roger that:

1.     I am mentally unwell

2.     I am in a space I am making decisions that are putting myself in danger

However, my understanding was that if I agreed to voluntarily be here (at least until I’m medically stable – which I am prepared to do – even though if I’m honest I want to leave now) then I don’t need to be under the act. 

In light of this I was informed it was in my rights to see a judge and contest his decision.  I was informed by the lawyer that very few cases of people doing this are successful, and I think that it would be wise to wait until the next assessment (at 14 days) and see what Roger thinks at that stage.  I feel so trapped, so imprisoned, and yet at times my rational mind slinks in there and tells me that if he hadn’t put my under the act I would have left by now.  Which if I’m honest is true.  However, my understanding is that if I can get of the act at the 14 day mark it is still the ‘assessment phases’ and does not exactly count as ‘being under the MH Act’ so would not need to be declared r=for nursing council etc.  If I cam not off the act by day 14 then I will go ahead with the judge hearing as I am terrified of being under it for a long time (what f he kept me here for months??!!).  All I want is peace.  And all I am experiencing here – every waking moment and even when I’m asleep I’m having nightmares (not as bad as the nightmare of being awake though) is the most intense pain and distress that I’ve ever felt in my entire life.  I feel completely out of control, completely worthless, like I have no foundation, nothing to hold onto, nothing to rely on … I am terrified.   I have a dull(ish) panic coursing through me every second, and then at times I have these attacks of it where my heart pounds, I can hardly breathe and I just don’t know what to do – I cry, pace, curl into a ball … It is the most frightening thing I’ve ever felt.  Yoga helps, but seeing as I can’t do that or walk I am simply using a lot of clonazepam.  I hate relying on medication and feel like such a failure for doing so but I would rather do that than experience the intensity of those attacks.  The clonazepam by no means takes it away; it just dulls the thoughts to the point where I can semi-function.  I mostly can’t talk to or be around people as it feels so overwhelming – I think it’s because my head is so full of anorexic and depression thoughts (I want to die, I can’t eat this food, I can’ teat now it’s too early, this has too many calories, I’m lazy, why eat if I don’t’ want to be alive, I’m a complete failure, I might as well give up, who do these people think they are taking away my right to choose to die if I want to?, how can I get through the next hour let alone any more than that?, life is so hopeless and pointless and I don’t want to be a part of it – every mouthful brings me closer to it …)

To name just a few.  But I simply have to comply because otherwise it’s nasogastric feeding.  And staying under the Act for longer.

All I want right now is to go back to Paula’s, to be with Meiko, to find small comfort in the life I was leading there (although yes, I was miserable, I was not making progress and had all the same thoughts and feelings but they were less intense and less panicky, I suppose due to the fact that I could give in to my anorexic rules), but most importantly I had moments of peace and some control; I could cuddle up at 5pm and eat my frozen apple for afternoon tea while I read my book, I could measure out every morsel of food to the exact amount I wanted to and know exactly what I was putting in my mouth, I could eat frozen yoghurt, soup, peanut butter corn thins, vitawheats dipped in my tea …  and I could see Meiko.  I could train and cuddle him, I could go for walks, do yoga, cook, go to the supermarket, walk around the culdesac …

I am so worried that (if I ever get better – which I can’t see happening) I don’t want being under the Act to impact on my nursing registration or put conditions on my ability to practice as a nurse. 

I have been assured by Roger he doesn’t want me under the act for longer than necessary (but what if it was months??!!), and that he has collegues who are psychiatrists and other nurses who are practicing now and have been under it.

I can’t decide if I’m angry at him, trust him, or what.

I HATE this I want to die, to give up.  So much.

I guess the next step is taking it moment by moment, not thinking ahead, abiding by the rules and letting myself be looked after (TLC and 100% compliance) until Monday when I see him again. 

I don’t know if I will go ahead with seeing the judge on Tuesday.  I think the best option is to see this as a temporary thing, and to comply until Roger’s reassessment on Day 14.  I will then make a plan as to where to from there. 

I’m glad Mum is still here.

11:41am

Hypothermic – Again

My temperature is showing

that apparently

I'm hypothermic

Again.

After a second temperature being taken

10 minutes later

with a 0.5 degree drop

Despite my arguments

The nurses force me under a ‘spacer’ blanket

(Of course I have no choice

Because I'm under the Mental Heath Act).

I flatly refuse to lie on my bed under it

And instead insist on being in the art room.

If my temperature doesn't come up

In fifteen minutes

I’m informed

I have to go to the public hospital.

I must look like an idiot

Sitting here,

Glowering and stubborn

Rustling under the silver

Tin-foil like ‘blanket’

With every movement I make

I'm so angry

So trapped

So imprisoned

My brain tells me

I am fine

The nurses are being stupid

And over-reacting

I am not in danger

And if my heart did happen to shut down

Then,

GOOD.