Increased Breakfast

Monday 21 November

Increased Breakfast

7:32am

I'm late

Again.

Sure enough when  I enter

The eating disorder dining room

Everyone has already started

My tray is waiting

In my spot.

The nurse at the head of the table

informs me that we finish at eight

(Thst is, I don't get extra time for being late)

I take the items off my tray

One by one

Checking the accompanying list

To make sure everything is correct

Even though I know it by heart;

This morning is hard

I d been worrying about it

All weekend.

Not only is Monday weigh day

(Thank God my weight only went up 200g)

But my weetbix has been increased

From two

To three.

They hardly fit in the little blue bowl

As I take it off my tray

I feel like a pig

And now that I'm here

Know there's no way of any of my plans

To dispose of one without being noticed

Working.

I slowly check and lay on my placemat

The sugar sachet (which I have now mastered the art of getting rid of unseen)

The kiwifruit

The prunes

The potter of strawberry yoghurt

And glass of milk (full fat).

I do a double check of the ticks on my menu

My heart pounds each time I glimpse

The three weetbix

Sitting maliciously in the bowl.

I make myself sit down;

It's as if the weetbix are magnets

Drawing my eyes to them

Silently scolding me

Abusing me

For the amount

I'm about to eat.

I wonder again if there's a way to get rid of one

To go back to my safe and familiar

Two.

I can feel the nurses eyes on me.

Half wondering if she can hear my thoughts

I pick up my knife to slice my kiwifruit

(I've worked out the best way to get rid of the sugar

Is to hide the saChet in the chopped off skin

All wrapped up safely and tightly

In a serviette).

I always rip the top off now though

Leaving it in plain view

At the side of my bowl

Just in case of any suspicion.

A bible verse pops into my head

Something about

If we cannot be trusted in small matters

We will not be trusted

In greater ones.

I push it aside

And my eyes again

Are drawn to the weetbix

Sitting quietly

Awaiting their fate.