Challenge Beads

Challenge Beads

I’ve decided to start

A string of beads

I’m going to call them

My ‘Challenge Beads’.

Each time I win a battle

Each time I do something

That defies anorexia’s orders

I will add a bead to the string.

I found some bronze thread

And selected various beads

From a big container

In the art room

And placed them in a box,

Feeling nervous, hopeful,

Guilty …

All at the same time.

This evening, day number one,

 I selected my first bead

A big green one.

It is one of the biggest

And prettiest in the box.

This bead represents

The Dutch apple cake and custard

I had for dessert tonight.

Even writing this down

Fills me with guilt

Reminding me of the panic

Of each bite

The way it stuck in my throat

Like sandpaper,

The way I had to

Force myself to swallow.

The way each spoonful

Felt cement-like heavy

In my uncertain shaking hand,

And the silent tears

Pouring down my cheeks.

Guilt, hopelessness and terror

Threaten to overwhelm me

As I try not to dwell on the knowledge

That it is sitting there

In my stomach.

The first time in almost two years

That I've eaten cake,

And custard too.

As I string my first bead onto the string

With trembling fingers

I take a deep breath

Reminding myself

That despite the screaming,

Scolding angry vicious

Voice in my head

I must not believe

Or listen to my thoughts

No matter how real they feel.

I must let go

Now is the time to change;

To trust

To make way for the new...

Whatever that will look like.