Rumination Postponement

10:20am

Feeling like shiiiit.  Have so many negative thoughts in my head about how useless and worthless I am – they play over and over like a cracked record or a tape on repeat; ‘you’re unproductive’, ‘you’re a waste of space’, you’re a failure’, ‘look what you’ve done to your life – you couldn’t have messed it up more if you’d tried’ … etc.  You get the picture.

I'm sooo tired of this.  

My psychologist Rikki wants me to try Rumination Postponment this week - basically you schedule a 'rumination time' every day (20 minutes long) where you do nothing but allow yourself to fully focus on and write down all your worries and ruminations.  Throughout the day whenever you notice yourself ruminating about something you pocket it away (and note it down if you like) to revisit it at your Rumination Session time (mine is 6:30pm).  Then, the idea is to use Attention Training and detached mindfulness to draw your mind away from them and into the present moment. It's hard, but I am trying, and the past three days I've done it it has actually helped a bit.  

Isolation

I feel so alone

That my insides

Physically ache

But I can't talk to anyone;

When faced with any level

Of the human connection

I yearn for

I involuntarily recoil

Shy away

Clam up

Shut off.

I wish for my boyfriend

Then upon hearing his voice

When I pick up the phone

I make an excuse not to talk.

I stay in bed until

I'm sure I have the house

All to myself;

I cross the street

When I glimpse someone

Walking towards me.

I crave to be enfolded

In a loving firm embrace

Wrapped up in familiar arms

And held close,

Yet when I am touched

Or even brush lightly

Against someone

I stiffen

Rigid as a board.

I don't understand

I hardly know myself anymore;

Where is the young woman

Bright eyed and full of life?

Have I just lost my way

Or am I gone forever?