Setting Sail

(Letter to my family and William)

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what Rikki said to me yesterday about needing to put on weight – and if I can’t do that as an outpatient (which I haven’t) I need to be an inpatient for a while.  

He has put me on the waiting list (which will take approximately 3 weeks, at least).  I can see now that this has gone on too long, that I simply have to get out.  No matter how impossible that seems.  And the first step of getting out is to regain some weight.  Rikki said to me that if I don’t want to go into hospital, I need to use this as motivation.  If, by the time a bed becomes available, I have put on weight every week and made some solid steps forward the ward may not be necessary and we will review things then.  But for now, the way I am, he said he and the rest of the clinical team see that as the only option.

Yesterday I was numb, angry, overwhelmed, stubborn, and finding it incredibly difficult to even consider what he was saying.  But now I can see the truth in his words. 

I wanted to update you all, to tell you that I have decided that no matter what I think or feel I will put on weight.  I’m terrified that my headspace will remain the same, and it seems somehow worse to have a healthy body and be in this headspace than to have an unhealthy one and stay as I am.  But I can feel how starved my brain is, how difficult it is becoming to think clearly and rationally, and how I barely feel in control anymore.  I am also aware of the pain that this is causing everyone else.  So, although there are no guarantees of feeling better, I wanted to let you know that I will actively take the actions that I need to, from today, to put on weight and get physically healthy.  And I just hope and pray that with this comes some relief and improvement to the panic and hopelessness and torment in my mind.  

When a bed becomes available I will be open to reviewing where things are at and what the professionals recommend as the best course of action.  But in the meantime, I will be making changes with the weekly goal of weight gain.

I’m so sorry.  And thank you (although those words go nowhere near to expressing all I want them to).

Love always,

Katherine

P.S. I wrote this poem today that I wanted to include:

Setting Sail

I am mad

Furious even

Because I can see now

That no matter what

No one is going to let me give in

Or give me

The permission I've ultimately

Been seeking

For a year now;

To give up on life

To let anorexia and depression win

To sink into the comfort

Of not having to fight anymore

And to let go of my future for good.

But no matter what

I now see

It simply won't happen -

Even if I let go

Others won’t.

One cannot drown

If her head is being held

Above the surface.

Whether I like it or not

(and I don’t)

I am going to be forced

To live in a world

That is not perfect

Never will be

And is not meant to be,

As a person who is imperfect

And always will be.

As terrifying and unbearable

This seems

I must accept it

Stop fighting it

Let go of the illusions I have created

That merely provide me

With the fantasy of safety and security,

Keeping me trapped in a bubble

A vicious cycle

Which simply has to be broken now.

It's been long enough

Too long...

In order to break free

I must make peace with imperfection,

And realise that thoughts and feelings

Are not facts;

No matter how strong,

Real or believable they seem

They cannot always be trusted.

I must do this now

More than ever,

To stop hurting myself

And the people I love

Who are my world;

Little pieces of 'perfect'

In their own imperfect ways.

The ones who won't give up on me

Who love me

And not my illness;

Who continue to fight for me

Day after day

Sometimes fiercely

And other times more quietly.

But they are always there,

They have never left me

Supporting me like a life raft.

So this is me

Letting go

Acknowledging at last

That the time has come

To step out from my safety net

To lift up my anchor

To set sail away from the harbour

Out towards the open waters

And the horizon of the unknown;

I take no baggage with me

For I need nothing

Except faith, hope

And love.