Dark Days

12:16pm

Had a MASSIVE cry to last night.  I spoke to Will and told him I’d bought a cat, which led to a discussion about me not getting better and him thinking I should go to hospital and finding this whole thing really hard ... I’m sure he’s going to break up with me soon if it stays like this.  I don't blame him - I can't believe he's still hanging around actually, it must me so hard on him.

After we got off the phone I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.  I was so upset and just bawled for about an hour on my bed while Anna held me.  She was amazing - is amazing.  I am so blessed to have her for a sister, and so thankful for the relationship that we have - she's like my very best friend who I can be 100% real with and not hide anything from; it's almost like she's an extension of myself.  It might sound silly but I felt God comforting me through her as she held onto me, soothed me, let me cry.  

I just feel so ... helpless.  Like it’s reached a point where it's all out of my control now – it doesn’t matter what I do, my thoughts keep tormenting me (about everything – food, activity, being lazy, all these rules that I can hardly keep track of – how much time I have to spend outside, what time I can eat, what time I have to do things, how much sleep I can get, how much I can sit down during the day, where I can sit, what I can do, how many steps I have to take, what order I have to do things in … it goes on).  

I feel like there’s a parasite inside my head slowly eating my rational brain bit by bit and there is so little of it left that I don’t feel that ‘Kas’ is really there anymore – she is hardly ever in control now, she gives in more than she wins the battles.  It doesn’t seem to matter how many ultimatums I set myself or how resolutely I commit to things, I just slip back again.  It’s taking all my effort to hold myself where I am (I haven’t achieved all the goals I set for this week) and I don’t even know if I’m doing that – I think I’m still losing weight actually.  It’s all too much.  I even went for a walk around the block after midnight the other night because a voice popped into my head telling me to and after a while it was just too hard and distressing not to act on it, and easier to go out in the freezing cold dark night.  

I’m so afraid.  I want to get better, but it feels so far away and deep inside I feel that this is it – I’m only going down from here. 

Anna left at 8pm on the plane, and before she went she made me promise her I would be honest with Rikki at my appointment today.  I so don’t want to go.  I also had a big talk to Will again last night and he made me promise this too.  So I guess, for them, I have to go, I have to do it and front up.  I can see I'm trapped in a vicious cycle and anorexia and depression are feeding off each other.

What would be the ideal scenario from here?

1.     I fully engage in outpatient treatment and somehow find the strength to make some changes and start dealing with my feelings enough to start putting on a little bit of weight

2.     I focus on getting physically healthy and trust that will help the depression even if it doesn’t fix it totally; I start gaining some momentum after the initial (very) hard part at the start

3.     I get my kitten in two months, and by this time have gained 2kg (ish) - I can use that as a reward, something to look forward to

4.     In the next three months till Christmas I spend lots of time with my kitten and also continue to engage fully and make progress as an outpatient

5.     By Christmas I have a good amount of momentum going and wellness is feeling closer and more achievable.  I make plans to be with Will.

6.     Will and I move somewhere (Westport or elsewhere) and live together (by this time Will has his registration as a fully qualified electrician and can find a good job). 

7.     I spend the early part of next year continuing to focus on recovery, and then do my yoga teacher training course in Bali.

8.     I then come back to New Zealand and look at part time work options, continuing to be with Will and focus on wellness (and kitty). 

The alternative is to get to Christmas-time and still be in relatively the same space, to likely lose Will and still be in treatment … indefinitely. 

There are no guarantees I can get better from depression (that’s the major one that concerns me – that I’ll get physically healthy and still feel this way inside, but because I look okay and am so good at putting on an ‘I’m fine’ front I will have to engage in life again, and the very thought of that fills me with cold terror) ... but I have to try.  I do know I can re-gain weight and recover from anorexia, so I at least need to start focusing more on that. 

I know I’m sick, my brain feels starved now, I feel starved and weak, and I know if I was Rikki I’d try to make me go to hospital, but I just don’t think I can.  I feel like I would rather die.  I just don’t feel I could do it again.  But can I put on weight without hospital???

I don’t know what to do.  I hate this.  I guess I will start with going to the appointment today…

Dark Days

There will be days

Seasons even

When it rain

When it pours

When you forget

What it's like

To feel the sun

On your skin.

On those days

You might feel

like giving up

Like life is cruel

Hopeless and empty.

Everything may try

To convince you

That this is the truth.

It's in these times

That you must hold on

To whatever you can

Your breath, the moment,

Someone's hand if you're lucky,

To remember

That everything passes,

And have faith.