Session 7

I had my seventh session with Rikki (my psychologist) today.

We went deeper into metacognitive therapy and discussed how it essentially poses the question ‘is this thought helpful or not helpful?’ (rather than CBT which examines whether or not the thought is true).  For example, is it helpful to ruminate over whether I am worthy as a person?

We talked more about the use of detached mindfulness to not engage with thoughts that are not helpful.  It’s kind of freeing to realise that, actually, thoughts are not facts, and thoughts are not you.  We are so controlled by our thoughts.  And yet, ... we don’t have to be.  I like the analogy of thoughts being like clouds in the sky; you are the sky, and your thoughts are like clouds – sometimes they are white and fluffy in a calm blue sky, and other times they are big storm clouds, rain clouds, or ominous dark ones casting shadows over everything.  But no matter what the clouds are, they will change and move on – in their own time.  There is no way of pushing them out of your sky – you simply have to let them be there, and let them pass when they are ready.  And they will.  Sooner … or sometimes later.  But they will pass.  And you, as the sky, can hold all of these clouds – no matter how stormy – without being harmed.  All the time, the sky is still there, underneath. 

We also talked about the fact that this week I have won some battles against anorexia, but my depression feels as heavy as ever (I’ve even had some suicidal moments).  I told Rikki that this is my ultimate fear – I get better from anorexia but the depression doesn’t lift.  My head tells me that if I can’t get 100% well from both I don’t want to even try.  I know this is my black and white thinking, but I’m scared that if I gain weight and look healthy I won’t have an excuse to shy away from life anymore, and I won’t be able to cope - engaging in life seems like the most unmanageable thing I could imagine.  Even thinking about having to go to work again makes my heart pound and my palms sweat.  

Rikki said it would be better to improve anorexia and have depression stay the same than not improve either.  Research shows that a person’s mood is worse at a low BMI, and that putting on weight is very likely to help depression lift (this is congruent with my past experience).  And even if it didn’t, he says that if I’m a better weight and my brain is not starved it will be easier for us to target and work on improving the depression.  Rationally I know all this, but I’m still terrified and feel myself digging my heels in.  I can't see how I will ever get rid of depression.  I feel like no one understands this - I have no hope.  

But I simply have to keep going, no matter how it feels.  'Trust the process' as Rikki says.  I will keep going ... but I don't know how long I can do this for ... I'm so tired and so angry at this whole thing !!!

So this week I am to focus on: attention training, detached mindfulness and rumination postponement (this does seem to be helping – I have a twenty minute session every evening that is dedicated completely to rumination.  And outside of this time, whenever I start ruminating I must use rumination postponement – let the thought be there but not engage with it, and note it down on my list for ruminating over later.  Interesting concept, but it is helpful so far.  

This week I’m also supposed to increase my food as much as I can (eek) and try to be more flexible (Rikki suggested I have a few lunch options and roll a dice to choose which I have on any given day).  That feels waaaay too hard… but maybe I can increase my flexibility in other ways … even changing the flavour of yoghurt I eat is anxiety provoking. 

I wish I could just let go ... 

Just Jump

Binding, crippling, imprisoning;

Flooding your mind

Eating the insides of your brain

Like a starving ravaging parasite …

Threatening to overcome you

To infiltrate every inch of your very being,

Determinded to steal away

Your sense of reason 

Your very identity.

But all is not lost

As long as there is a piece

-       even a small one –

of you left inside.

And that piece

Has to want

Something else.

In order to win,

To overcome the panic,

Anxiety and fear 

You must not be afraid of it.

When you decide

Not only that you will do 

the very thing that terrifies you

but that you want to 

the anticipatory fear

is immediately diffused.

Now,

Let go 

of all resistance

by moving deliberately and calmly

derectly into the path of your fear.

I will not lie;

You must be prepared 

For the heightening of emotions

Perhaps to an intensity

you are not sure you can bear.

The secret 

is to stand your ground

in the knowledge that they cannot

and will not

maintain that level of intensity.

Breathe into the discomfort,

The anguish, the distress - 

Let it fill your lungs

Your insides

And hold on for dear life.

And through it all

Pay attention

To when the wave peaks

And then drops

(It will);

And as it starts to ebb

Seize the moment

And JUMP.

Yes, you are leaping

Right into the ocean of exactly that

Which terrifies the shit out of you;

The very thing you want to run from,

That you feel you would rather die 

Than face head on.

But no,

You are not insane 

Because as real as it seems

Your fear is but an illusion;

Even if you this rationally

It makes little difference 

To the wild sensations of terror

Threatening to suffocate you.

There is a safety net 

Waiting for you

That cannot be seen or discovered

Until you leap;

By jumping off the cliff

you will not be harmed in any way

your fears cannot hurt you

no harm can come to you.

Once your feet 

have left the safety of solid ground

there is a moment 

where you are suspended

above the unknown;

It may be a moment of pure terror -

but you will land

in the comfort and truth

of the safety net

that has appeared out of nowhere

sooner than you thought.

The towering cliff

the highest diving board

the tallest skyscraper

has become nothing more 

than a two inch drop!

You are safe.

You always were.