Pumpkin Soup

Pumpkin Soup

Yesterday

The number on the scales

Didn’t go up

Again.

Yesterday

Alterations to my meal plan

Were decided upon

And again the possibility

Of becoming an inpatient raised.

Today at lunchtime

One extra tablespoon

of mashed pumpkin in my soup;

The thought of it

Has been bashing against the walls of my brain

Since it was decided upon,

A desperate fight

Against anorexia

Who is now so strong

Loud and powerful

That the very idea

of consuming that extra tablespoon

Makes my heart pound

Like a metronome on the fastest speed

Ties my stomach up in knots

Brings tears to my eyes

And gives me nightmares,

Waking me up drenched in sweat.

I repeat my mantras

Over and over again;

Thoughts are not facts,

These thoughts are not real

They are not true

I will still be safe

I will not be out of control …

But then

Maybe if I don't do it –

It would be okay …

As long as I still eat everything else?

At this

My stomach starts to unclench a little

I can almost feel anorexia’s approval ...

But then

A small voice in my head pipes up;

'If you don’t do it

You will be a failure,

Even more worthless

Than you already are'

And the tug of war continues...