What I Really Want

What I Really Want

I just want to get up in the morning

Without watching the clock

Or setting my alarm

To make sure I don’t get more

Than my self-designated allowance of sleep;

I want to look in the mirror

And see smooth curves

And a healthy glow,

Not the gaunt emaciated figure

That I have become.

I want to walk down the street

And not feel the stares,

To feel the spring breeze

On my bare arms without shivering

To sit in the sun, relax

And not think about anything

Like how lazy, unproductive

And worthless I am.

I want to want to live,

To go out with friends,

To eat something that's 'not allowed'

Just because I feel like it

Without anorexia screaming at me.

I want to be able to shrug off

This dark heavy shroud;

To be able to smile again

Without it being forced;

To remember what it feels like

To laugh until my stomach hurts,

To enjoy being around people

Rather than feeling overwhelmed

And suffocated

Whenever I have to have a conversation.

I want to feel excited about life,

To love and trust my body

And my mind,

To be able to be spontaneous

If I want to;

To break free from the prison

I've locked myself inside.

I want to stop hurting the people

Who love me,

And to feel whole and capable

Instead of anxious and broken,

I don't want to be

The failure I have become

And yet

No matter how hard I try

I can't seem to break free

From my own chains,

I can't escape the vice-like grip

Of anorexia and depression

The two words

That have stolen my life,

My identity,

And become my world.