Just in Case

12:09pm

I don’t want to be awake.  

I don’t want to write.  

I don’t want to do anything.  

I don’t want to have to face another day.  

I don’t want to be in this situation ...

I’ve messed up my life so badly, and not only that but I've affected others so much as well (in particular Will).  He should have broken up with me when I told him to a year ago when all this started.  It’s not fair on him at all.  And it’s not fair on the rest of my family.  

I’ve ruined my nursing career (who will ever hire me after all of this, even if I did manage to get well??), I’ll probably never be able to have kids, I’ve hurt so many relationships, I’ve lost my sense of respect and love for myself, I can’t even begin to imagine what other people must think of me (my aunties, cousins, etc) … 

I’ve lost the ‘me’ I used to be.  The spark I used to have, the ability to laugh and make jokes and do silly walks and impersonate bowler hat guy …

It feels like that part of me is gone 

and never coming back.

Just in Case

I stand on the platform

As the train hurtles into the station

Screeching to a brief halt

To pick up any passengers.

If only I knew

Exactly where the train is going

And what the journey would be like ...

Do I get on

Hoping that it takes me

Some place better

Than where I am now?

Or do I let it leave

Without me

For fear that the destination

Would be turn out worse?

If I leave

I might miss something?

What if it takes me

To somewhere that's not perfect;

To a place where I will meet

Even greater failure and despair?

Some might argue

Where’s the fun in knowing?

That life is all about

Taking risks and chances

Leaping into the unknown

Without so much

As a map to follow.

I see no fun in that

At all;

The very thought of it -

Of letting go of control

Of the tight reins

I’ve gripped for so long

Terrifies me.

The trains whistle blows

The engine coughs to life;

Is it better

Not to take the chance

To play it safe

And stay right here

Just in case?