Is the battle worth it?

‘The more you try to run away from anxiety the more it will run after you.  When you turn and face it, go towards it and go with it instead – this requires learning to deal with the discomfort and thus going through it – this is the only way to make it go away for good.  Accept and lean into the discomfort (which is everything your mind is screaming at you not to do).  Get comfortable with your discomfort.  Stop assigning a danger to the fear and uncomfortable symptoms.  It is a matter of short term pain for long term gain.  The goal = not to get rid of the distress for a few moments or so, but to get rid of it for good’

Little bursts of life

I stride down the street

Head down,

Wrapped up in my puffer jacket,

Yet still shivering,

Tears prickling

At the corners of my eyes.

My breath comes out

In little puffs off smoke

In the mid winter air.

I pass a dark dingy flat

And notice a flickering candle on the windowsill;

An empty plastic takeaway container

Blows across the pavement in front of me …

Then a few steps later

I pass neat rows of pansies

Their petals smiling at me

From their bed alongside the low brick wall.

I think back to days gone by

And remember

Coming home

To a cold empty house

To find my cat waiting expectantly

On the doorstep.

I remember day after day

Feeling all alone in the world

Going into the toilets at work

Sitting down on the cold vinyl floor

With my back against the oil heater

And letting the tears come.

Then I remember

A dying patient’s outstretched hand

Reaching out to me in her pain;

I see in my mind’s eye

The way the furrows left her brow

And her face became peaceful

As I took her hand in mine

And gently squeezed it;

Just when I was wondering

If my existence mattered,

If I made any difference at all,

If anyone would notice

If I was gone.