Left with no choice ...

6:12pm

I feel MAD.  Frustrated.  Betrayed …

At how hard everyone is fighting for me … how they won’t let me give up like I want to … how they won’t let anorexia and depression have my life.

Essentially, they are leaving me with only one option (there are others but I would be silly to take them). 

The one option (that is the best one – but that I DO NOT LIKE) is to get well.  This means I will have to live in an imperfect world.  Something I have a lot of trouble accepting.  It also does not guarantee that my depression and anxiety and anorexia will fully go away – and I don’t want to live like that either. 

I feel even more trapped and manipulated now – not only by anorexia and depression, but by Rikki, the team at the hospital, by Mum, Dad, Anna, Will, Grandad …

So I have to do it.  

And I’d rather do it as an outpatient.  The thought of being an inpatient again almost kills me – seriously.  It fills me with a panic I can’t begin to describe.  I suppose it will need to be a back up.  But my goal for this week is for my weight to increase.  Even slightly.

I need to prepare myself for the fact that this is going to feel SHIT and bring a lot of distress and discomfort.  But, in advance, I’m telling myself that thoughts and feelings are not facts and that this is what I need to do.  I know I won’t be able to see it or even comprehend it slightly in the moment - anorexia will be screaming so loudly – but I have a plan to follow and have written out some specific goals.  I am committing to doing it this week: 100%. 

… if I can’t then I truly will have to seriously consider inpatient treatment …