Relief

12:37pm

I feel sort of... relieved.

It's like I've realised there's no choice - I have to get better (or at least put on weight) and I can either do it in hospital or at Paula's.  That is still in my control. Just.  Obviously I'd rather do it living at Paula's and not have to be hospitalised. And with that comes nervousness but also something else... I think it's excitement?!

When I acknowledge (I'm still working towards the 'accept' bit) that life is not supposed to be and will not ever be perfect and that it isn't meant to be good all the time, I feel like a burden is lifted. I can live my life without the pressure of perfection - because it doesn't exist. The closest thing to ‘perfection’ is in fact, imperfection – it’s in the very word itself!

I can make bad decisions (I don't say wrong though because there is no absolute right or wrong), and it will still be ok. No job, no weekend, no family, no partner, no friend, no circumstance, no house will ever be ‘perfect’. Just like us; we are both a masterpiece and a work in progress.

Some days and seasons all I'll be able to see are dark clouds, but I believe the key is to have faith that the sun will come out sooner or later, and live for those moments where you feel it on your skin and on your face, when it floods you with its golden warmth.

I feel like I've been in a black hole for the past year and the truth is that although I have a lot of hard work ahead of me to just get back on an even keel I have intelligence, life experience, a career (even though I don't have a job right now), an amazing family and friends, a loving boyfriend,  money in the bank … and soon a kitten!!

So you see there are bound to be rays of sunshine mixed into my future, and even before I get 'well' they will surely be there at times if I open myself to them, reaching out to me in weak rays through the gloom.  And I can use them for energy to keep moving towards my vision of wellness; I can draw strength from them.