Appointment with Rikki

3:35pm

I just had my appointment with Rikki, my psychologist.

To summarise the appointment:

• ·      Weight gain is needed in order to be able to properly engage in therapy (I won't record my weight on this blog as I don't think that's helpful, but my BMI is 14 and Rikki is very surprised at my level of concentration and functioning (mentally and physically) as he says most people with a BMI this low would be very impaired
• ·      At present I am not managing any weight gain, thus am 'stuck' in a self-perpetuating cycle of treading water/ slowing slipping downwards
• ·     The clinical team discussed me this morning and recommends inpatient short stay/stabilisation in order to break the rigid cycle I am stuck in (I said thank you but no thank you - and Rikki said he has put me on the waiting list anyway as it is at least a three week wait until a bed would become available)
• ·      Continue to use rumination postponement
• ·      I should use this time as a chance to turn things around NOW if I don't want to become an inpatient

So... I guess it's up to me. Where to from here?

I feel...

Apathetic, disconnected, hopeless, almost resigned to living like this, I don't trust long term gain would come from short term pain (i.e. an inpatient admission) so would rather stay in my current place of torment yet where there is some short term gain in the comfort of being able to engage in my ‘rules’ (but knowing this equates to long term pain - and not just for me), ruthless (not going to hospital no matter what, if I went in I would not eat/run away, would sacrifice losing Will and other important relationships rather than go into hospital and put on weight).