Saturday

4:45pm

This morning Paula took me to visit my kitten – OMG I am sooo in love with him he is just adorable!  I got to hold him and my heart just melted!! I cannot wait to bring him home.  It will be another 5-6 weeks.  Here are some pictures ... 

I’m struggling a lot with my thoughts again today, and I’m really trying to use detached mindfulness not to fight them, not to engage with them, but just to let them be there.  It’s hard though.  But I think I’m getting a bit better.  I feel scared though because I realised I’m kinda resigned to the fact that this is my life now, that I’m not going to get better.  I don’t know how to change this.  I can’t just ‘think’ myself out of it.  I can’t trust my thoughts anyway.  I have been sleeping less – on purpose – because I’ve found it makes them a little less intense and more manageable during the day if I’m tired.  So I guess that contributes to not thinking straight though too …

Snowstorm

Thoughts, rules, obsessions

Ricochet off the walls inside my head

Like snowflakes in a snow globe

That's been picked up

And shaken every which way.

The more I fight them

The stronger and more forceful they become

And before I know it

I'm stuck in a blizzard.

I'm blinded

Snow fills my eyes,

My ears, my mouth, my nose;

Suffocating all of my senses

Making nothing else exist.

I struggle desperately

Arms flailing as I try

To protect myself

I'm losing the battle

I can feel my energy depleting

As ice cold air

breathes down my spine

Seeping into my bones.

I can't fight anymore,

I give up.

I close my eyes

Letting my arms drop down

Focus on each breath;

Just one breath

One moment

At a time.

I have no reserves left

But I breathe deeply

Something changes;

I feel somehow detached

From the snowstorm

Like a spectator

Watching.

The snow doesn't stop falling

It pelts down all around me

But I am no longer chilled to the bone

There's a distance now

It's as if

The moment I stopped fighting

I somehow stepped into

A place of shelter

From the icy blasts;

As if behind an invisible screen

Looking out from a window,

No longer exposed

To the raw intensity

Of the elements.

The longer I watch

The more I realise

I am not consumed

Or suffocating

After all;

The snow cannot touch me

And even though it still rages

I am somehow separate

From this onslaught.

This knowledge gives me

A small portion of strength

A warm flicker of hope;

I am safe

I can stand here, watching,

As long as I have to

And sooner - or later

The snow will settle

And the storm

Will come to an end -

It cannot go on

Forever.