Uphill Battle

11:13am

I’m really having trouble sticking to my decision to do what it takes to get well – only two days ago.  The excitement and relief is gone as anorexia and depression seem to yell at me; I feel my resolve weakening and it’s taking so much energy to push through – it feels like I’m trying to walk through setting cement.  Last night I took about an hour to make myself have supper, another hour to eat it (every mouthful was a battle), and so didn’t get to bed until almost 1 am.  I have to keep telling myself that I just have to do it, not matter what my thoughts and feelings are.  I really don’t want to go to hospital … a big part of me wants to just disappear from everyone’s lives and live somewhere all alone where no one can find me, able to engage in my rules and find what small comfort I can from doing so.  Even though I know where that will ultimately lead.  Perhaps because I know where that will ultimately lead …

Questions

Is it right

That to eat

I have to fight

With my head

Constantly screaming at me

To starve myself instead?

Is it normal to feel

That I'd rather be dead?

To not want to be alive

And escape reality instead?

Does everyone think

Life will never be enough

No matter what we do or acquire

It's all just ‘stuff’?

Is it just me

Who is stuck in this pit of despair,

Who crosses the road without looking

And doesn't really care?